Regretion of a guiltness

You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy; even if you're not part of their happiness.
(Unknown)

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i did a mistake! a big mistake, actually... +( Huuff... i dont where i suld start to tell. I'm totally confused and dazed! D u ever felt anxious and tried 2 knew more about ur bf or gf's sumone in the past, like their ex? Well, i did! Till now for sure. It getting worst after i reed my bf's diary (see my yesterday posts). And... today, i'm while i'm sign on my MSN msg. i found my bf's sumone in the past online with her MSN! Then... i make a private chat with her and I lied... I pretend as my bf on that chat. But, i never wanted to that before! Well, i tot she's a nice gurl but.... so wrong, she's totally a very rude gurl! She even culdn't watch her words. N'... her style of words almost similar as my bf's. I didn't whos copy whom, but... looked strange in me. It was just a little chat, coz i dun kno why.... i felt sum guiltnesses. My heart struggle between, forward and stop it! N' my concentration also got dazed... and then i realized that it was wrong... so so wrong! So... i signed out the MSN.
After few hours, i'm signin back but she had off already. in fact, I wanna tell the truth that i'm not the person she tought. God... hope she doesnt send sny sms to my bf! Silly me, hah? i dunno why i did all those stupid silly things! I know i'm jelouse, badly, but what i've did wasn't rite all.... i felt so guilty! =(
Anyways, i have decide that i shuld talk with my bf bout all of these things! I'll tell him that i met his ex on the msn, talked as iam him. I'll tell also bout his diary that i had red 2 days ago. But i dont wanna know more about it. I'll let him kept the story... everybody have their own past story and they have rights to keep or vanish the story. Postscript: no one have any rights to interfere with.
D i looked wiser? Yeah... a bit! ^^ Maybe it caused by a phone call last nite. It was from my friend, my ex-bf for exact. After long pleased conversation, he said that he still kept "the spider". And it swing still! ^^ Wow... it's been 5 years and he still kept it nicely?! I culdnt believe but he convience me. O... u wanna know what is "the spider"? well, long time ago, i gave him a toy, spider one from a wood and the legs could swinging, cute spider. I gave it as his b'day gift. He also told me that he still kept my pictures! The pictures in Dufan, when we go there 2gether with our friens. I'm abit suprised, i said, u did? really? r u sure? for couple times! And he said: yes, i did! That time, i got silent... and thought let past just b a past, just go look forward to the future in front of u! But dun erase the past, just keep them as our history, esecially the sweet one! ^^
Yeah... i admit that i still kept Panca's picture too. =D and my other bf, honestly. Even i saw their pictures rarely, i never want to vanish them. Maybe... my bf think same as i thought. So... just let it be.... Now all i think just I hope my bf can forgive me... (he must!) =)